The Wait

Many people I know have dealt with infertility. I never thought that I was going to be one of them. I had never even heard of the term "Secondary Infertility" and never imagined having problems getting pregnant the second time around, especially because we didn't have any problems getting pregnant the first time.

For the first time, right after Cannon's first birthday, it really hit me that my baby was growing up and that he wasn't going to be my little baby forever. I instantly felt remorse and had the sudden urgency to get pregnant and have another baby. I surprised myself, especially because I thought I had always wanted at least 2 1/2 to 3 years in between my kids. Not only did my baby just turn one, but my sister-in-law was pregnant with her second and my younger sister was planning to get pregnant soon also. I wasn't necessarily "ready" to have another baby, but knew that I would have time to get ready while being pregnant for 9 months.

To mine and Marc's surprise we got pregnant the first month we tried. It was a little shocking and a little scary! The baby would be due just a few weeks after Cannon's 2nd birthday. Even more exciting, my younger sister got pregnant right around the same time. This meant that my sister and sister-in-law's babies would be born just a few months (and few weeks) a part from each other! How fun would that be to have so many cousins close in age!

It took a couple of days for me to really accept that I was pregnant. I also had a very uneasy feeling about it because I wasn't showing the same signs of being pregnant that I did with Cannon. I talked with my aunts who were nurses (before announcing to our families) about my concerns and they assured me that it was normal not to feel any kind of signs of pregnancy until later in my pregnancy. Still... It felt strange and I continued to worry.

The weeks continued and I started to show small signs of nausea, which was a good thing, but I still wasn't half as sick as I felt with Cannon. We weren't necessarily planning to tell our families so soon that we were pregnant, but it was right around Christmas time, and let's face it, I clearly have never been able to keep my mouth shut about anything! I also couldn't hold the excitement in because I wanted to tell my younger sister that we'd be having babies right at the same time! One evening I was nonchalantly saying a dinner prayer with my family around the dinner table when I said, "Please bless both Syd and Rhonda and their babies, and please bless the baby in my belly too." It was quite the crowd shocker and everyone was excited and surprised!

We told Marc's family in almost the same exact way while Marc's older sister's family was visiting from St. George. We pleaded with the families though to not tell a lot of people because it was so soon (I was only 6 weeks) and I also told both families that I was feeling nervous about it. I kept talking to my aunts and others about how I wasn't feeling that sick and kept getting assured that things would be OK.

During this time I was praying every night to Heavenly Father to bless the baby and to bless that the baby would be healthy, but every time in the back of my mind, I had a feeling we maybe weren't going to be able to keep the baby.

Word got out to a woman in my ward at that time that I was pregnant. She was an Ultra Sound Technician and had ultra sound equipment at her house and offered to give me a free ultra sound just to see the baby's heartbeat. I told her that I was only 8 weeks along, but she said we'd be able to find the heartbeat anyway.

Going over to her house that Sunday evening I had the thought come to me that no matter what, everything was going to be OK. As the woman searched and searched for the heartbeat she was silent. She finally told me after failed attempts to catch the heartbeat that the baby's heartbeat had stopped. It was a shock, but almost not at the same time. I don't know how to describe it, but I felt like I knew that news was coming. I was prepared to hear the bad news.



The reason I am writing down my journey of infertility is to always remind myself of the times when Heavenly Father has prepared me and been with me. I've always considered myself to have good intuition when it comes to people and situations, but during this process I've come to realize that it has been my relationship with my Heavenly Father that has prepared me for the next two years of waiting.



This January marked the 2nd year since our miscarriage and our 2nd year of "trying." During this process I've tried it all; Chlomid, Famara, trigger shots, progesterone, IUI's, and most recently, In Vitro. Want to know the most frustrating part about all of it? We STILL have no idea why I can't get pregnant. I've been tested, Marc has been tested (ask Marc about it, he LOVES to talk about it) and at this point, I've pretty much forgotten everything that has been done and tested. I couldn't tell you the month to month tries and fails, because I have forgotten them because none of them have been successful. That's mostly what I can remember about it. Nothing has worked. There has just been month after month of disappointment, heartache and confusion.

I know of many, and even have some very close friends, that haven't even been able to have one child of their own. My heart truly goes out to them. During this process I couldn't even begin to express how undeniable grateful I am for my Cannon. I LOVE him and am so grateful for the joy he brings into my life. I am blessed to be his mom. I have also become even more grateful for my supportive, hilarious, realistic and unbreakably faithful husband. Not to brag, but basically I can't imagine a better husband or father. He is mine and I am BLESSED to have him. I have no doubts that Marc was put on this earth for me, he is what I need in my life in every way. I love my Marc and Cannon so much, sometimes I literally feel like my heart is going to burst (I don't care how corny it is, it's the truth!). And I know that because I've struggled and longed to have a baby that I've come to realize just how truly blessed I am. I've also learned the importance of enjoying my life and my family while we're just a family of 3. This past year I've made it a goal to enjoy my little family and I do believe I've done my best at that. We've made lasting memories and I don't think I'll forget the years I've spent with our family of 3.

It's interesting, now, dealing with infertility. I can now understand how some of my friends and family have felt during their struggles. It's interesting to think about my emotions and how they've changed during the last two years. At first, every month was emotional. Month after month and night after night of tears. Poor Marc has had to deal with a lot of crying and emotions! There's been a lot of high hopes during a new treatment or procedure and then a lot of anger (and possibly swear words...) when finding out that, yet again, it didn't work. I never understood why some women who dealt with infertility didn't want to be around others who were pregnant or who had children. I thought that was selfish and childish. Now I understand. I understand how looking at pregnant women and having angry feelings towards them happens. I understand being angry and upset and let down with God as well. I've had times where I can feel extremely faithful in His timing and plan for us and I've had countless times where my doubts take over and I start to tell myself that He isn't even listening. Luckily, those feelings of anger never last too long. I have been supported by a husband and family members who are always there to remind me that Heavenly Father is listening and that our timing will come.

There is one thing I know for certain, and that is that there IS another baby coming our way. No, I am not pregnant now, but the Spirit has assured me multiple times that there is another special child coming to our family. Sometimes I wonder if the reason why it's taking so long is because I'm going to have twins, or worse, TRIPLETS?? Maybe I just needed the extra space between my kids to be a sane mother? I also get the strong feeling sometimes that maybe I'll have a child with some sort of disability that would require a lot of attention and sacrifices. I don't know the reason it is taking so long, but I know there IS a reason. Heavenly Father knows better than me and I know now, more than ever, that His timing is clearly not up to me. The only thing I can do is trust in His timing and plan for us and strengthen my testimony with patience and faith. Patience is definitely not one of my strongest qualities, but I'm learning. Slowly, but surely.

Because I've been assured by the Spirit that Marc and I will have more children I want to write down the times I can remember so that I won't ever forget the times I felt faith in Him. These are also the times I was reminded that He is listening to my prayers, even if they haven't been answered in the timing I want them to.

The first time I can remember feeling optimistic about another baby coming to our family was once when Marc was giving me a blessing. I think it was right before we started doing our first trigger shots and I was desperate and needing a blessing from Heavenly Father. In my blessing Marc told me that the thing which I desired would happen and that it would happen sooner than later. After the blessing Marc told me that what he said wasn't from him, but that it was from Heavenly Father and he felt strongly about that. So of course after the blessing I told myself that "sooner than later" had to mean that it was going to happen in the next month or so.... Right?? Wrong... That was about a year ago. When Marc said those words I thought to myself, Although sooner than later to me seems like it would happen in the next few months, to Heavenly Father "sooner" could mean years!! Apparently I'm much more impatient then Heavenly Father. In that blessing Marc also told me to remember the blessings that I had in my life and to be grateful for everything I had. Since that moment I've done my best to be grateful for the abundance of blessings I have in my life. I know that because of that blessing I've been more aware of the ways Heavenly Father blesses me on a daily basis.

Once when I was reading my Patriarchal blessing I realized a section in it that talked about the blessings I would receive from my husband and our childREN. Children. That's plural! Again, the Spirit confirmed to me that more children would come to our family.

One night I decided to say a prayer out loud to the children who are making me impatiently wait for them. It was kind of a joke, but I told them that I was ready for them to come to me, no matter what condition that would be. It started out kind of silly, but ended in me crying and having the feeling like they understood how I am feeling and that they are sort of longing to come down to our family as well. I pictured a child listening to me and comforting me that it would happen, but to just wait. (There was that "just wait" answer again!! Ugh...)

During this whole time and during each new treatment and procedure I've felt like I've been prepared for each outcome. I've just known that each month, despite mine and Marc's prayers, fasting, and promised blessings, that that month just wasn't the month. I'm kind of a pessimist at heart, and tend to talk openly discouragingly to Marc and tried each month to just tell myself that maybe it would work this time, maybe it's just my natural tendencies making me feel like I wasn't going to be pregnant. But, I know that it has been Heavenly Father preparing me each and every time. I don't believe He's trying to discourage me, but rather prepare me for the disappointing news. I don't ever get the feeling like we need to just stop trying everything in our power to have a baby. I will continue to try and be hopeful and optimistic and one of these times it will work!

Before our first round of In Vitro I felt the need to ask my Dad for a blessing. There's something about a father's blessing that's different, even from a husband's blessing. Not that one or the other is better, but having my father give me a blessing from my Heavenly Father is significant. In the blessing my dad told me to trust in my Dr's and in their ability to do their best. He also told me that Heavenly Father wants to bless us with more children and that He wants children to come to families like mine and Marc's. That was a comforting thing to hear. Especially because I've had the thoughts before that maybe I'm not doing a good enough job as a mother and that's why I'm not allowed to have any more children. Although I am far from a perfect mother, I know this isn't true, but it's hard not to think such dramatic things when we can't figure out why we can't get pregnant. My father's blessing was special and memorable and although I was again comforted that a baby will come, I couldn't help but think that even though we had a 65% chance of In Vitro working that first time, there was a big possibility that it wasn't going to work.

Marc and I were vacationing in Hawaii when we found out the In Vitro was unsuccessful. I honestly could not have imagined a worse way to find out. Yes, we were lucky that we were having the vacation of a lifetime, but I didn't realize that there was a possibility that I would find out while on our vacation. I had a blood test scheduled a few days after our vacation and that's when I thought I would know if it was successful.

We were flying home on a Saturday and the Thursday before I noticed that I started spotting. The Dr's told me that 20% of women spot and that I could very possibly still be pregnant. Of course, I was worried out of my mind though. That whole night I was in and out of sleep and while sleeping I kept having the same dream over and over and over again. I dreamt that I was taking a pregnancy test and that the pregnancy test was negative. Each time I read the test I was overcome with emotion. I was bawling, lying on the ground, pretty much in hysterics. I would wake up with tears on my pillow and then try to go back to sleep. Again, I would have the same dream, but each time after I found out the negative result I got less and less emotional about it. The last dream I remember having I read the pregnancy test and didn't shed one tear. In fact, I felt so incredibly comforted. I knew that it was unsuccessful, but I knew everything was just going to be OK. I was being comforted by the Spirit.

Friday morning I got out of bed and before taking the pregnancy test I had purchased I had no doubts that I wasn't pregnant. Knowing the result didn't make it any easier though. I've never felt so let down and discouraged. Marc and I were staying in a guest house with four other people, so I woke Marc up and we went on a drive together to have some privacy. Just remembering that feeling is so awful. I was so confused, so let down and so incredibly angry. I wanted to just go home and give Cannon the biggest hug of his lifetime. I couldn't. stop. cyring. Really, I've never had less control of my emotions and it was difficult being around friends because we didn't want to make them feel awkward or uncomfortable and we wanted them to be able to enjoy the rest of our vacation. Because we had all rented a van together we asked if they wouldn't mind dropping us off in Honolulu so Marc and I could spend the day together just the two of us.

Marc and I were trying to do things to distract our minds, but it was hard to enjoy the beautiful surroundings while feeling so down. We were standing on a beach together and Marc ran to the bathroom. While he was in the bathroom I finally had a moment to say a prayer and express to Heavenly Father how I was feeling. I've never had a prayer like that before. I was so angry and I told Heavenly Father out loud that I was so disappointed. I told him that I didn't understand, but I asked if He would just help me be able to calm down and to please help me stop crying. I wanted to be able to enjoy what time we had left on our vacation and I wanted to be comforted that everything would be OK. I've never had a prayer answered so quickly. Literally, the tears stopped flowing the second I ended my prayer. I was finally able to be reasonable and logically think about the next steps we could take in order to get pregnant. I remembered that we were extremely lucky when doing In Vitro and that we had 6 excellent embryos left over to try again. Again, I knew things were going to be OK. I didn't shed another tear for the rest of the day and in fact was able to keep it together until sharing the news with my family. I will never forget how instantly Heavenly Father answered my prayers that day on the beach in Hawaii.

The first time I realized I am grateful for the trial I've been through was once when I was writing a letter to my youngest sister on a mission. I told her that although it's been the hardest trial I've had to experience in my life so far, I was grateful to have had a reason to strengthen my testimony of the Savior. The past two years my prayers have become more meaningful, my fasting more purposeful, and my relationship with my Heavenly Father and Savior has deepened. Ironically enough, even though I am still saying the same prayers over and over and they still haven't been answered the way I want them to be, I know He is listening. I feel like this has been an important time in my life that I don't ever want to forget.

I can't wait for the day when I get to hold my next baby. I dream of it constantly and know I will be overfilled with gratitude and happiness when that day comes. We are scheduled to use two of our frozen embryos next month and for the first time I feel peace about whatever the outcome. Of course I hope it's because it might finally work this time, but maybe it's because I finally have complete trust in the Lord. He wants Marc and I to be happy. He knows what is best and maybe one day I'll finally understand why the wait took so long, maybe I won't. But nevertheless I will continue to have faith and continue to wait for His timing.